"I Do" for You

Before I launch into the next essential variable I would like to express my thanks to all of you who have e-mailed me responses to how these marriage posts have touched you. Your stories and encouragement are amazing and I am so very thankful that God is using these posts to engage you. I pray that these ideas will not be mere subjects of thought, but transforming action that will truly enhance your relationships with your God-given partners for life.

And so we move on to the third essential variable for marriage...

Complete Sacrifice - I thought of using "Selflessness", but it did not start with "C." ;)

Seriously though, selflessness is an abstract concept about which we can spend loads of time contemplating and no time actually acting it out. The word "sacrifice" immediately invokes an urge to do something. Sacrifice requires action...real action, and is not a word one throws around lightly.

Our western culture is not a sacrificial one. Our culture preaches phrases such as...

"look out for number one",
"you gotta make sure you get yours",
"get your fair share", and
"what is in it for me?".

Unfortunately, too often, our marriages are reflections of these mindsets. When you ask people today why they married their spouse you often hear...

"She makes me happy",
"He takes care of me",
"He loves and appreciates me", or
"She respects me for who I am."

Sure, those things are beneficial in a marriage, but those reasons are all focused in one direction... towards the "I" in the "I Do". These phrases say "I Do" for me.

Now lets look at the traditional wedding vows that one says to another at the altar...

"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part."

I do not see a "me" in these vows. These vows say, "I Do" for you. You are not marrying your life partner to be held, to be had, or to be loved and cherished through thick and thin all your life. You are marrying in order to have and to hold your spouse, to love and cherish your spouse no matter what life throws at you all the way to the end of your physical existence.

Unfortunately, many of us say these vows at the altar and then at some point shortly thereafter we find ourselves becoming frustrated because our needs and wants are not being met...we are not getting our fair share in the relationship. It becomes all about me instead of being all about my spouse.

Marriage is not about getting your fair share. Marriage is all about sacrificially giving away all of your share to your spouse. And the giving must be unconditional. You must be willing to give all you have whether or not you are getting all you want. Your spouse will never be able to satisfy you fully. It just is not possible. So it is best if you just toss your expectations aside and focus on pouring your love into your spouse whether or not he/she is acting the way you would prefer each day.

If your commitment is resting on the sandy foundation of satisfying your personal needs/desires....well ...your commitment will sink and crumble when the storms of life hit your marriage.

And if your marriage does withstand some storms, it will not be a healthy one. Marriages filled with expectations and conditions put upon spouses become diseased with bitterness, mistrust, frustration, anger, and unforgiveness.

Trust me...no one experiences clear and sunny skies every day of their life. As we discussed in the Commitment variable, marriage is not a romantic, happy-go-lucky, rosy life each and every day. There will be great times, but there will also be times during which you do not feel like he is taking care of you, you will not feel like she respects you, you will not feel loved and appreciated by him, and neither one of you will be very happy with the other. You should not count on your spouse's thoughts and actions meeting your expectations. The only thoughts and actions on which you should be able to count are your own.

So the commitment to marry needs to be built on the rock of complete sacrifice for your spouse. This is fleshed out in all facets of your life together. Whether it be major issues such as careers and where you live or small ones such as where you go out for dinner and where the pictures should be hung on your walls.

A marriage should be built on a husband loving his wife and giving all he has to offer to her for the sole purpose of loving and caring for her because he wants nothing more than to sacrifice his life for her.

A wife should marry a husband for the sole purpose of offering her whole self to her husband in order to care for him and love him because she wants nothing more than to sacrifice her being for him.

And I will tell you a little secret....

If both spouses are completely sacrificing with no conditions attached...both of you will be getting MUCH more than your fair share. You will be blessed with a spouse who loves and cares for you more than you ever thought possible and you will want nothing less than to strive to sacrifice even more in return. And that cycle of complete sacrifice becomes a blessing of love, acceptance, grace, security, peace, and joy that will be a rock hard foundation on which your marriage will stand no matter the force of the storms of life.

So put aside your wants and needs,
and focus on your spouse's needs and wants.
Revisit the marriage altar each and every day,
and remember to look at your spouse and say,

"I Do" all that I do,
not for myself,
but solely for You.

God bless, emman