Till Death Do Us Part......Really!

Jade and I celebrated our 7th anniversary on 30 March this year. I have been thinking a lot about our marriage and marriage in general over the last couple of months. I have been meditating on what holds our marriage together. As some of you know, and many of you do not, I have been divorced. This is not something I often broadcast across the airwaves so this fact has only been known by my family and some of my closest friends...until now. I mention it now because I am about to launch you into my thoughts in the next couple of posts. I want you to know that these nice thoughts, epiphanies, good ideas, or idiotic conclusions (however you look at them) are coming from someone who is imperfect, who has made huge mistakes in marriage, who has learned hard and painful lessons, and who does not want others to endure the same regret, guilt, and heartache by making similar mistakes. Some of these may be familiar ideas, some may not...so here I go...

The way I see it, there are a few things that are essential to a lasting marriage. Notice I did not say happy, perfect, great, blah, blah, blah. Marriage is not always happy, it is never perfect, and definitely not completely great. But marriage can be a blessing to which nothing else compares. I know mine is.

The first essential variable is (these are not in order of importance by the way)...

Commitment: Seems obvious, I know, but this is so obvious that so many forget all about it. So many people I talk to who are going through problems in their marriage lack this very thing. I hear all the time...I am not happy anymore...I am not sure I love him/her anymore...I just do not feel the same as I used to...he/she is a different person than who I married...he/she has this problem and I can not handle it, etc, etc, etc. All statements coming from a want to always feel in love, always be happy with the situation, always feeling connected, and for life to always be rosy. Marriage is not based on happiness, lovey dovey feelings, or rosiness.

All of us know that life is not always that way so why should marriage, which is two lives becoming one, be any different. Commitment is SO important. When you say "I do" that means no matter what I am committed to you, no matter if you change, no matter if you aggravate me, no matter if you make mistakes, no matter if I do not always feel in love with you, no matter if you say mean things, no matter if you agree with me, no matter what...I am committed to you for the rest of our lives. Marriage is not about love and happiness, it is about commitment on sunny days as well as the gloomy days.

And if you are truly committed, you will find that the gloomy days are a lot sunnier than you thought. True commitment drowns out the complaining, the anger, the frustration, the bitterness, and the unforgiveness. True commitment says I know there are going to be hard times and I know that we are not always going to get along and that is O.K.! True commitment pushes a couple to work through their issues, to come to each other in confession, and it paves the way for forgiveness.

Commitment does this because their is no room for the "D" word (divorce). It is not an option, it does not exist in the vocabulary of a truly committed couple. Therefore, resolution is the only goal on the horizon and it will be reached because both are committed to reaching that goal no matter what the cost. Failure is not an option because that goes against the nature of commitment. When commitment is one of the founding factors in a marriage, the words "till death do us part" are not just an ideal, abstract, fuzzy feeling at the altar. Commitment says, "till death do us part...Really!"

I have at least four (the list keeps growing) more essential variables to share...I will do so one at a time because I know I can be wordy and you will not want to sit and read a blog for 45 minutes. So I will let this one sit on you a little while and then hit you with another. Please let me know what you think, if you do think anything, about my thoughts. I am open for thoughts, opinions, etc. I am trying to be blunt and to the point so some of the depth may be lost in my brevity...sorry.

I love you all!

humbly His,
emman